


In Which Anders And Hawke Do Not Have Sex

by the-nug-king (eloralouistra)



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Asexuality, Non-binary character, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 13:15:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5418425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eloralouistra/pseuds/the-nug-king
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hawke isn’t nervous. Ze has nothing to be nervous about, not after a day preparing, not after Isabela’s reassurances, not after the overwhelming feel of rightness ze’d felt when Anders had kissed zir in his clinic that morning, and the look in his eyes. Hawke loves Anders and ze should be delighted that their relationship is finally progressing to sex. Ze is delighted, Hawke tells zirself firmly. The churning in zir stomach is excitement and ze’s pacing zir room in anticipation and everything will be fine, and ze’s not going to lose Anders as soon as ze’s got him because ze’s not able to love him properly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Anders And Hawke Do Not Have Sex

**Author's Note:**

> Written after playing through the Anders/Hawke sex scene and realising my Hawke is a sex averse asexual.
> 
> Warnings for internalised acephobia.

Hawke _isn’t_ nervous. Ze has nothing to be nervous about, not after a day preparing, not after Isabela’s reassurances, not after the overwhelming feel of rightness ze’d felt when Anders had kissed zir in his clinic that morning, and the look in his eyes. Hawke loves Anders and ze should be delighted that their relationship is finally progressing to sex. Ze  _is_ delighted, Hawke tells zirself firmly. The churning in zir stomach is excitement and ze’s pacing zir room in anticipation and everything will be fine, and ze’s not going to lose Anders as soon as ze’s got him because ze’s not able to love him properly.  
  
A soft knock on zir bedroom door pulls Hawke from zir thoughts. “You’re here!” Hawke pulls Anders into the room, reaching up to kiss him. It feels good to have him here, very good, despite zir increased anxiety.  
  
Anders pulls back from the kiss after a moment, but gives zir a small smile. “Justice does not approve of my obsession with you,” he says, stepping towards zir. “He believes you’re a distraction. It is one of the few things on which he and I disagree.”  
  
“I’m glad you came, in any case,” says Hawke, feeling a twinge of guilt for what the spirit is likely to go through.  
  
Anders gives another smile, his eyes sad. “When I was in the Circle, love was only a game,” he says, coming to stand in front of zir. “It gave the Templars too much power if there was something you couldn’t stand to lose.” His gaze drops from zir face. “It would kill me to lose you.”  
  
_And I you_ , Hawke thinks. “You aren’t  _going_ to lose me,” ze tells him, fiercely. Ze’s going to do this right, and make sure Anders is happy, whatever zir own feelings.  
  
Anders’ fingers brush zir face, and he slowly pulls zir mouth towards his. “No mage I know has ever dared to fall in love. This is the rule I will most cherish breaking.”  
  
Hawke loves the feel of his lips on zirs and his hand stroking over zir cheek, and when ze pulls him onto zir bed, his body fits comfortably against zirs. Some of the fear in zir stomach pools away as ze relaxes into his touch, his hands running over zir back as ze tangles zir own in his hair. Ze’d happily stay like this forever, and surely that must mean ze’s going to be fine. And then Anders moves to unbutton zir shirt and it’s  _not_ fine. Anders expects zir to sleep with him and ze  _can’t,_ and before Hawke’s realised what ze’s doing ze’s recoiling from his touch, slapping his hand away.  
  
Anders pulls back, mouth tight and eyes not meeting Hawke’s. He seems about to speak before clamping his jaw shut and scrambling off the bed. Hawke’s ruined everything.  
  
Ze sits up, desperately reaching for Anders again to find him striding back across zir room. “Anders! Anders, I’m  _sorry_ !”  
  
“It’s fine,” Anders snaps, not turning to look at zir. “I understand. It’s fine.”  
  
Hawke feels like zir insides are twisting up. It’s so much worse than zir earlier anxiety, and why couldn’t ze have reacted  _properly_ to Anders, why couldn’t ze feel like ze was  _supposed_ to, like everyone else did, instead of driving him away? Ze wipes tears from zir eyes and tries to swallow around the lump forming in zir throat. “ _I love you_ .”  
  
Anders freezes in the doorway. “You- what?”  
  
“I love you, Anders, and I’m sorry, and I don’t know why I can’t do this or what’s wrong with me and I thought I’d be able to-”  
  
“ _Hawke_ .” Anders is suddenly back next to zir and pulling zir into his arms again. It’s everything ze wants and the last thing ze expected. “You’re not disgusted with me, then?” Anders asks quietly.  
  
“What?” The evening is going so far from the way Hawke expected and ze’s still unsure whether Anders is going to leave. “Of course not. Why would I be?”  
  
He gives an awkward shrug. “I’m an... abomination. With a spirit in my head telling me not to be here. When you pushed me away I thought...”  
  
“No! I simply...” Hawke takes a shaky breath. “I love you, you must believe me. I thought if I loved you enough, I’d want sex, and I tried, really I did, but it hasn’t  _worked_ .”  
  
Bafflingly, Anders is smiling, his face free of judgement or disappointment, eyes full of the kindness that always comes to mind when Hawke thinks of him. “ _Hawke_ , you should have told me. I apologise for assuming, I should have asked.”  
  
This is far too easy, Anders can’t be forgiving zir for this, he must not be understanding. “I don’t want to sleep with you, though,” ze tells him, slowly. “Ever.”  
  
“I know, Hawke.” Anders runs a hand over zir arm, leaning into zir. “That’s all right. There’s nothing wrong with you; a lot of people don’t have any interest in sex. I’ve had people like you come to the clinic before, in fact, asking me if I can help them.”  
  
Hawke suddenly feels foolish for not asking Anders about this before, ze’s trusted him to heal everything else, so why not this? “So you can heal me?”  
  
“No,” Anders shakes his head firmly, before giving zir another smile. “I can’t mend anyone who isn’t broken, Hawke.”  
  
Hawke blinks, turning this over. “But what about you? You wanted to have sex.”  
  
“Me? I’m still amazed that anyone could love me, and for it to be you... what more could I ask for?”  
  
It feels too good to be true, but Anders is still here, holding zir, and he’s not angry or disappointed, and he says there’s nothing wrong with zir, and Hawke’s beginning to smile back at him.  
  
“I’m so lucky to have you, Hawke”, he murmurs, thumb brushing zir chin, nudging zir face closer to his. Hesitation flickers across his face. “Do you mind me kissing you?”  
  
“Absolutely not,” Hawke tells him, smiling fully now and pressing zir lips to his, feeling him smile back against zir mouth. Ze lowers them back down to the bed, cuddling closer to him. “Will you still stay tonight?”  
  
“For as long as you want me.”  
  
“Stay forever.”  
  
“Gladly.”  
  
“I’ll hold you to that.”  
  
“Good,” Anders murmurs. “I love you, Hawke.”  
  
_Nothing to be nervous about at all_ , Hawke thinks to zirself, and nuzzles into Anders’ neck with a smile.


End file.
